addiction
Thursday, August 28th, 2008
by badr
Well Amikolle left yesterday for her new try at rehab. I must say she did a lot of work to get where she is now. She did all the research, all the phone calls, paperwork, you name it she did it.
She first applied for a place Bowling Greens in Pennsilvania. After the place confirmed her by phone, that she could stay 20 days, with no co-pay and they told her she had to be there monday at 5:30pm. We drove 80 miles into KKK County (drove by famous KKK town Rising Sun), and into the place. When we arrived, the person there didn’t knew anything that was offered to Amikolle, she said Amikolle had to be pre-certed even if she was going to stay partially… Well it was a mess, so we drove back to Maryland. Amikolle was a bit frustrated because she had gone through all this work and wanted to get help. But the drive was fun and it relaxed her a bit.
On tuesday, it was hell for her, because trying to find if Bowling Greens was going to take her or not, and BG said that because she had no previous relapse with her current plan they didnt want to accept her offer and were demanding a ridiculous amount of money. So I told her to fuck them, and to concentrate on the other place she was aiming for, a facility called Joseph S. Massie in Cumberland, Md.
At the end of the day in tuesday, Massie confirmed her pickup on wednesday morning. The problem with Massie is that they are tighter than a chicken’s asshole for some things. But its all for the best of the patient, which in this case is Danielle. There can be no contact with Amikolle for the next 7 days, she cannot receive phone calls of any kind, and if she received one, it has to be a supervised one. We can send her letters and postcards all we want… Then after 7 days she can call us and we can call her only if we are approved by her counselors. Then the following weekend we can go spend time with her, from 12 midday till 5pm. But we had to go to an obligatory meeting that was like 2hrs.
I have not spoken to her since she was taken over there, but I am calculating that she will be there until Sept 24 more or less.
In the meantime I am going to pray, think of her and play Castle Crahsers.
Sunday, August 24th, 2008
by badr
I am writing from the Anne Arundel Medical Center, a couple hundred feet from me, around 12 addicts (including Amikolle) sit from me. I have my headphones on, so I don’t know what they talk about, its their time to talk and I am only here so I can leech the hospital’s crappy free wifi.
I am going to backwards to my morning because I would like to relate my day with Amikolle, but then we will come back to this time and continue on.
We woke up at around 10am, I made Amikolle breakfast, and my plan was to bring it to her bed, but she beat me to it. The smell of coffee filled the house, I made her buttermilk pancakes with hand whipped cream, strawberries, juice and spicy sausage on the side. Its been a while since Amikolle and I have been able to have a breakfast like this, overall and excluding her disease its been tough on us. But we wanted to survive on our own, at the end it gave us more satisfaction.
Around 2pm Amikolle’s long time friends Allison and Chris came over. They are the first of a couple fo friends Amikolle has from her days in high school, that found out when she left and relapsed that their friend had a drug abuse problem. They were very emotional and very supportive. They told her that they were going to be calling her during the day tomorrow and during the week and if she didn’t call them, they were going to call her. This are the types of friends Amikolle needs around her. People who remind her how awesome she truly is, and who have a real interest in her getting better. Her friends brought their newborn, Molly, who was the center of attention, cutest baby I have seen in a long time. Baby laughed with us a lot and Danielle was able to talk to Allison in private and with Chris, to let them know first hand of her condition. Overall their visit was a good 3hrs. They had plans for sunday but they thought seeing Amikolle was a priority and they shifted their plans to come see their friend.
After they left, we got ready and head out to Danielle’s Parents house. Most of you might think, she being with her parents is a great idea until she gets into rehab. Frankly it’s not, but I cannot leave her alone, she is in active adiction and needs someone with her to watch her and talks to her to keep her mind from scheming. I have been telling, her mother that she needs to keep a close eye on her tonight, because Amikolle is on flight risk. She can try and leave because her addiction is in its prime right now. As we were driving to this meeting, she confessed to me her mind is in high gear thinking how she can escape to go to Baltimore. I told her she had to be strong, and tell herself that from out there we can’t help her, that she needs to be in our reach so that we can take her to rehab. But tonight and right now, she is a flight risk. I hope her mom is not that naive to not keep an eye on her. Like Steve Jobs has a reality distortion field, her parents have a “Niceness Distortion Field”, they are super comprehensive and nice in front of me, but I know they are going to start bitching to her tonight and if they do that, she is going to take on and leave.
As I have explained before Amikolle’s resort for her addiction was based on her disability to not let things out of her chest with her friends, the emotional pressure that her parents have had on her all this time, the emotional duress her father has her on all the time, I hope they dont cause her any trouble because its a gamble if Amikolle will tolerate her dad’s rants and not use them to fuel her need to use drugs. I will be able to rest again when she is in rehab which should happen soon, hopefully between monday and tuesday.
As we continued our drive here, I made Amikolle repeat to her self, that in order to get help she must stay with us, and that its understandable that her URGE is difficult, but it needs a lot of herself to beat it, and my concern is that she is weak mentally right now to fight that URGE on her own. She needs to be very strong and truthful to her parents tonight about her state.
Tomorrow morning she has to call Carefirst, our medical insurance company to see what places they cover, then she needs to get on the horn with two candidates, Massie, which is in Cumberland, Md and Warwick Mansion in the Eastern Shore. She has been a patient of Warwick. We have to see which one will take her for a month or at least 3 weeks. Its very difficult to get into the one month’s programs as there is a waiting list. So hopefully she can get somewhere within the next two days. Another thing, which I find ridiculous, is that the insurance determines what amount of time they cover. Maybe the insurance covers 3 days, but they bill you for $12,000. I mean how they expect these recovering addicts to recover when they got a medical expense of 12 Grand waiting for them when they get out of recovery.
The good thing in all this is that Amikolle realizes four important things:
1. Continuing her Addiction is no way to live.
2. She needs to get help, go to rehab, IOP’s, and going to NA meetings
3. When she needs help, she has to call people. Plus she needs to put a lot of her part to withstand the rpessure of going out to use.
4. We need to move far from Baltimore, probably to another state, which very well could be Texas.
But first things first. Lets all pray to God, she can wake up in her house tomorrow, and her parents keep a good eye on her, until she can find a place to go do her rehab.
For me, it will be another sleepless night… until I know she is there. Because if she goes out there again, there is a huge chance she wont come back.
Saturday, August 23rd, 2008
by badr
I would like to first start this post with the following information, so you all have an idea of how monumental this is. In the city of Baltimore there are around 645,000 (645 thousand) people that live there. 60,000 of them are addicts. I was able to rescue 1.
Well I picked up her brother at his house in Federal Hill, from there we drove down to the “usual place” which is Ramsey Ave. and Parkish St. I parked like any puertorican driver could park, in the middle of the street. Shortly after {expletive deleted} and {expletive deleted} came down one of the streets and we must have talked for like 5 minutes before a Public Bus driver (God bless his heart), started honking his horn (his bus horn) and I had to move my car. I went around a block and came back and as I was heading back from afar I see a girl that looks like Amikolle. Blood moves to my foot and I press on the Jetta, and when I get closer I see its Amikolle with some black dude walking behind her. I park the car in the puertorican fashion again, but I don’t give a shit, I slided through the trunk of the car and grabbed her by the arm and told her “Thank God I found you…”, again the person that greeted me was the Addict, not Amikolle. The Addict wanted to stay in Baltimore and wanted and demanded to leave her there, and I told her she was coming with me the nice way or the bad way but she was coming home.
Amikolle was not in control from her mind, she tried to push away from me and I restled her and she was hiding something from my view but I didn’t care. At a point I thouht she was going to run away, I needed help. her brother, {expletive deleted} and {expletive deleted} had stayed behind fixing the flat tire in Carol’s G35, and they were around 500 feet from where I was. Because my intervention was loud bums and drug addicts in the area were starting to get nervous, but I didn’t care, I know at any moment anyone could have try and do something stupid, but all I cared was I found Amikolle and she was coming with me one way or another.
I barely let her go and I was calling with all my lungs to her brother to come over, finally after a few screams, he saw me and ran back to us. I kneeled down and after some convincin she showed me what she had in her hand, it was a crack pipe. When she dropped it to the ground I smashed it with my foot.
I don’t know if any of you have heard, but there is a quote from Nietzche that reads, “If you look deep into the abyss, the abyss will look back at you…” I looked into Amikolle’s eyes, past the cloud of her Addicted self and I went deep into that hole in I spoke to the woman I love. And its true, I love her with all my heart, as much as it hurts me see her like that, I can see she is not the one doing this, but an effect of her disease. I told her how I wanted her to come to our home, how Uzume our pet Guinea Pig missed her, and how the house was empty without her prescence. I told her how her brother, who still doesnt understands the mechanics of Drug Addiction, wanted to put that aside and look at it from another perspective to pull her out because he loved her very much as well. I told her of a bunch of our friends were concerned for her too, and little by little I was smashing down her dark self and out coming the light of Amikolle.
As soon as she was in the car, I drove like a bat out of hell, out of Baltimore County, still there were traces of her Addict and she told me she was still mad I had driven to find her. I parked the car to the curb and asked her, “If instead of you being the addict, it was me or your brother, would you come also looking for us?” She nodded as tears fell of her face, “Yes I would, you are right…”
So we drove home, she took a shower, her medicines, went to a meeting, and now she is knocked out sleeping. She looks so peaceful when she sleeps. I really wish with all my heart, that she is able to recover this time.
Tomorrow, we have an “agenda” and she might have some friends come over and talk to her. She will be staying at her parents house during the week, and she has to make several calls to see where she can do her rehab time.
As for me, I am going to sleep. I am so tired.
Thanks for everyone who kept me company in their thoughts, their prayers, their tweets, im’s and phone calls.
I will update more during the week.
Note: I had to edit my GF’s name and remove her last name because her parents threw a tiff over the phone, as to how I have related their fucking last name with the illness of her daughter. They are more interested in public image than in the recovery of her daughter. I did it only so that Amikolle doesnt get their shit anymore. Fucking Assholes. From now on, I will mention them in my writings as {expletive deleted} or her ‘rents’ (after my pissing off passes away).
Saturday, August 23rd, 2008
by badr
I dint sleep well. It’s difficult when for the last 7 months Amikolle slept snuggligly against me and now God knows where she slept last night or if she is alive even. I am trying not to think about any sad outcomes, my #1 priority is looking for her and finding her so we can get her some help.
At 6:00am in the morning Anne Arundel Police Dept. called me to see if I had any new Info on Amikolle’s where abouts. I was a little shocked as I expected them to tell me any new updates. But “No new updates officer…” <click>.
I am going to take a shower and go pick up her brother, and drive some more around. I am hoping she is walking around trying to find someone to hook her up with coke or looking to eat. She will be experiencing the effects on the lack of her medicine, so I hope that helps us find her quickly.
I know a lot of people think we should let her sink rock bottom, but the problem is that her life is at stake. If I was willing to take her as my wife, back when things were good, I would be a hypocrite to let her to her luck and turn around. I don’t know where our relationship will go, but I am not letting her die out there. Like I said before, alive or dead I am going to find her.
Both her parents and her brother are cooperating to find her, this means she is still important to them. Some of her friends that have read the news ive left around in www.amikolle.com and www.daniellestcyr.com and My Space either didnt know of her drug problem or are shocked about it.
We are only 3 people looking in a part of town that has over 60,000 addicts, so finding her will require the hand of God, luck and perseverance. I wish we had more cars and more people looking for her, but I am afraid to ask for that kind of help to anyone, It is not easy for me, and I cannot ask other people to get involved in this burden but I wish they could. At least we have a lot of her friends praying for her.
Tonight we will be doing round two of the search, we will try to be earlier down there around 7ish and I will be looking for her along with her parents and brother.
I doubt she is going to contact anyone, but if she does and you know about it call my number if you know it and you will get further instructions, if you do not know my number email me at lord.badr@me.com.
If you want to show your support, pray, leave comments here so that when she gets back she can read them and if you can to an extent help us look for her out there.
That part of town is dangerous, but we don’t go alone, and we have a good buddy system. People ask me why I can’t let this go, and its because a part of the wedding prayer goes ” I, ________, take you, _________, to be my wedded (husband/wife), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, tp love and to cherish, ’til death do us part….” I was willing to do that, when we got married, why should I step back now and leave her in my shadow, when she needs me the most.
This is why I do it, you can call me anything you want, but I am faithful to her and what she meant into my life, til death do us part.
Friday, August 22nd, 2008
by badr
Amikolle, the girl I had been dating for the past 8 months, has given in the battle for drugs and left our house. She called a cab company and took a cab today August 22nd, to 2421 Westside Pawn Shop in Baltimore where she pawned her computer and from there she left to West Baltimore to use drugs. Cocaine is her drug of choice.
Amikolle has unfortunately relapsed. I don’t know where she has gone, I have filed a police report and I am praying that she has a good night, because she is in the city alone, without money, with only a t-shirt and her jeans. She is not in her car, she has no money, and she didnt take her medicines. She doesnt have a cell phone so there is nowhere to call her. I have done everything I can to help her, so at this point I don’t think there will be a wedding. She knew the only thing or the only one who could make her wedding not happen was herself.
I love her very much, I tried to do anything in my power and grasp for her, but I cannot help her anymore, I am powerless. I pray that she sleeps well at night, that she is safe, that she doesnt get killed in the streets of baltimore, and that if she leaves us, that she does it in peace.
Amikolle currently has a $140 or more a day habit. She has to sell drugs in order to buy drugs because she has no money with her. Tonight she will have to sleep somewhere because she is on foot and has no money.
Thanks;
Gilbert aka Badr
Amikolle’s Fiance
Note: I had to edit my GF’s name and remove her last name because her parents threw a tiff over the phone, as to how I have related their fucking last name with the illness of her daughter. They are more interested in public image than in the recovery of her daughter. I did it only so that Amikolle doesnt get their shit anymore. Fucking Assholes. From now on, I will mention them in my writings as {expletive deleted} or her ‘rents’.
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