Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008
by badr
I have not written in a while. Danielle is off in rehab till September 22nd. Being away from her is difficult, I miss her so much. I can’t even talk to her on the phone because she doesn’t have phone privileges. Then my default answer to my worries kicked in, “when she comes back things will be different…”
This got me to think… (I know… dangerous)
We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another.
Then we are frustrated that the kids aren’t old enough and we’ll be more content when they are.
After that we’re frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.
We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.
The truth is, there’s no better time to be happy than right now.
If not now … when?
Your life will always be filled with challenges. It’s best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.
One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D Souza …
“For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.”
This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.
So, treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time … and remember that time waits for no one …
So stop waiting until you finish school … until you go back to school … until you lose ten pounds … until you gain ten pounds … until you have kids … until your kids leave the house … until you start work … until you retire … until you get married … until you get divorced … until Friday night … until Sunday morning … until you get a new car or home … until your car or home is paid off … until spring, until summer … until fall … until winter … until you are off welfare … until the first or fifteenth … until your song comes on … until you’ve had a drink … until you’ve sobered up … until you die … until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy …
Happiness is a journey … not a destination!!
Thought for the day:
“Work like you don’t need money, Love like you’ve never been hurt, And live like its your last day on earth.”
Saturday, August 23rd, 2008
by badr
Today at around 9pm, {expletive deleted} (her dad), her brother, her brother’s gf and me went back to west baltimore to look for her. We searched through every street possible from 9pm til 12:30 midnight, and didnt see her. This means she could have been inside a building or we were looking in the wrong side of town. In all truth its like looking for a needle in a haystack. We saw all sorts of people, transactions, addicts passed out, but no sign of Amikolle. Police activity was high, we counted over 10 patrol cars driving around. I am writing from our bed, but I can’t manage to sleep, because I wonder under which conditions Amikolle will sleep tonight since she is not in her car, for all we know she could be in a cold floor, on some god forsaken box or god knows where.
Meanwhile her ex, Bear’s (Bear is Amikolle’s 9yr old son) dad patronizes me with support from his comfortable chair as you see here: “You’d been so good for her for the last 8 months. I hope things work out, somehow, though I can’t imagine how, but thank you for everything you’ve done. Hang in there.” But he is no one to get his ass once and come look with us. In 20 something years when Bear asks him how he helped his mother, he can tell him, that he helped by looking from Google Maps.
Tomorrow {expletive deleted} and her {expletive deleted} will go look for her from 10am in the morning onward. Her brother will join me from 11am and on… if we cant find her then we are going again at night. I get told I am powerless against her addiction. I know that, but I am not going to sit on my ass to wait till she shows up. Dead or Alive I am going to find her.
And her ex will participate from the confort of his own home.
Note: I had to edit my GF’s name and remove her last name because her parents threw a tiff over the phone, as to how I have related their fucking last name with the illness of her daughter. They are more interested in public image than in the recovery of her daughter. I did it only so that Amikolle doesnt get their shit anymore. Fucking Assholes. From now on, I will mention them in my writings as {expletive deleted} or her ‘rents’.
Friday, August 22nd, 2008
by badr
Amikolle, the girl I had been dating for the past 8 months, has given in the battle for drugs and left our house. She called a cab company and took a cab today August 22nd, to 2421 Westside Pawn Shop in Baltimore where she pawned her computer and from there she left to West Baltimore to use drugs. Cocaine is her drug of choice.
Amikolle has unfortunately relapsed. I don’t know where she has gone, I have filed a police report and I am praying that she has a good night, because she is in the city alone, without money, with only a t-shirt and her jeans. She is not in her car, she has no money, and she didnt take her medicines. She doesnt have a cell phone so there is nowhere to call her. I have done everything I can to help her, so at this point I don’t think there will be a wedding. She knew the only thing or the only one who could make her wedding not happen was herself.
I love her very much, I tried to do anything in my power and grasp for her, but I cannot help her anymore, I am powerless. I pray that she sleeps well at night, that she is safe, that she doesnt get killed in the streets of baltimore, and that if she leaves us, that she does it in peace.
Amikolle currently has a $140 or more a day habit. She has to sell drugs in order to buy drugs because she has no money with her. Tonight she will have to sleep somewhere because she is on foot and has no money.
Thanks;
Gilbert aka Badr
Amikolle’s Fiance
Note: I had to edit my GF’s name and remove her last name because her parents threw a tiff over the phone, as to how I have related their fucking last name with the illness of her daughter. They are more interested in public image than in the recovery of her daughter. I did it only so that Amikolle doesnt get their shit anymore. Fucking Assholes. From now on, I will mention them in my writings as {expletive deleted} or her ‘rents’.
Thursday, June 12th, 2008
by badr
Today I received a postcard from Amikolle. She was telling me how her 1st day at rehab went. I have mentioned before how our relationship is perfect and if its not perfect how amazing it really is. We just complement each other nicely, and although we hit a huge bump in the road, we are working on it together, and its difficult for both of us, but we love each other so much, that its only natural for me to be there for her now that she needs me the most.
In her letter she mentioned how I have been the best boyfriend she has ever had by far, and she said I was her rock.
Honey, I am not your rock, I am your grand fucking canyon and you can lean on me all you need during this difficult moment on our lives. You never walk alone because I am your shadow and you can see only one set of footprints, because I have been carrying you in my arms.
I love you!
Tuesday, June 10th, 2008
by badr
Last time i expressed my self how a situation that caught me and my girlfriend, Amikolle off guard. Its been a week since she was hospitalized with an acute and deep depression. Since then we have learned a lot, and Danielle has had a huge turn around.
Its funny how all this things work, and how for some some people its very difficult to let go things that affected you in the past. I don’t blame her though, her youth became unmanagable, she resorted the exit route of using drugs and running from her problems. I love her very much, she is an amazing human being, intelligent and smart. Its difficult to picture her in that world, but its the world she knew, and she felt safe there, when everybody in her life raped her bounderies. She had lived a controlled life after her late teens and mid 20’s stint with drugs. She did cocaine, smoked heroin, and smoked crack. It was a miracle she didn’t kill herself back then. She lost so many things, including the custody of her son, and her relationship with her parents went from bad to worse.
And all this was taking her toll on her, because she was taking all this in, and she was not letting it out. How could she? She couldnt tell me a lot of things, because she thinks I will be terrorized and I will leave her. She couldn’t tell her parents, because they didnt understood her and were so hurt for her lack of common sense back then, that now they didnt trust her, her father when he looses his temper (usually happened in the 1st 5 mins of a conversation), would detonate on her and she feared him because of that. She almost doesnt have any friends, because the few that have had, had given up on her. So when all this took a toll on her, and she felt anxious, she flipped and that what she always knew what do do, even if in the end she knew it would get her in the same spot that put her there. She would “escape” and use drugs.
The last relapse happened last sunday. I had left her home after a beautiful weekend together. Her dad went ballistic on her, not caring what was going through the head of his daughter, it killed everything… every dream, every happy thought… Danielle, grabbed what coins she found around her parents house, and took a bus to Downtown Baltimore, and there she consumed her fear. The next morning I got a call from her mother asking me if Danielle was at our place. I knew then and understood the teachings of the classes I have been taking to understand myself better so that I could help Danielle more, these meetings are called NarAnon, and its a support group for parents, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, BF & GF of people who have used drugs in the past. The first point in their list, is acknowledging you are Powerless. The second point is giving yourself to a higher power. So when I got the phone call, I realized I was powerless and I asked God, to please guide me because all I wanted was to find her, in whatever condition she was.
I don’t know if divine prayer helped, but I will tell you something, technology played a big part, as i had bought Danielle a Cel phone that had GPS Tracking built into it (www.kajeet.com). So when I went to her parents house, i gave her mother a crash course on google maps, and she was my co-pilot in sweeping the streets of lower downtown baltimore, to found her daughter. Her father came with me. We carried out a 2 man door to door search. We talked to every drug dealer we could find, junkies, mothers, fathers, bums, rednecks, if it breathed and could talk we talked to them. Some had seen her, some couldn’t tell.
The first round we did, was unfruitful. We couldn’t find her, so her dad and I went back to their house, to get 2 cellphones, another car and we went back again, on the way back i learned from the people in Kajeet, that the more the locator of the phone was pressed the more accurate the reading it would be. So when I went back to their house, i blasted that button for all it was worth. It begun to shrink the radius, and the phone had a location of 511 S. Vincent St. Baltimore, Md 21223. We went there, and found a shack. It reminded me of the old buildings in Old San Juan, that the government forgot about them and only bums would use it for a windy night refuge. Only this time, it housed a heroin addict that would rent the rooms for other addicts to use their drugs there. I offered the junkie $50 bucks for the phone. I described her the phone and she said if I gave her 5 mins she would find it, she had earlier said she had no contact with my GF or the phone. Money talks, bullshit walks. The phone appeared. When I saw the phone I knew my GF was there. I could feel Amikolle in my bones. I felt immortal although If a hidden Drug dealer was there, he could easily shoot me or her dad. The junkie became aggressive and wanted more money or she wouldnt give me the phone or tell me where Dani was.
I transformed. I was so set in finding if Dani was there that I told her, that I would go upstairs and throw her out the freaking window if she didnt give me the phone, and that I would give her the money when I had the phone in my hands. She holed up.
I lost my temper. I kicked that feeble piece of shit of rotten wood door and I went in. I was received by a filthy apt. filled with water on the floor, shit, feces and a doped up rottweiler that was gigantic. My GF’s Dad went in, and up the stairs, then he came out. He told me, “she is upstairs…”, I climbed the stairs after he came down, and entered a room, that had a small bed filled with all kind of shit, and below the bed, in a cardboard box, was my GF, in the worst imaginable deplorable place.
We all hit rock bottom that day. Into the shadows she was, I extended my hand to lift my angel up. She took it and we walked out without saying a word, aside from, “Lets go home…”. I took her in the car and the junkie was crying because her drug dealer would probably kill her for his property being damaged. I looked at her and told her, “you have $50 bucks, go buy one”. Frankly If I had access to a tank an M1, I would have returned and leveled that block.
When we were driving back, I asked her what she wanted to do. My baby replied, I am out of control. I need to go to rehab, I need help.
That was the beginning of her resurgence. That same day her parents and I committed her to a hospital, where she got transferred to a Psychiatric ward. During that time, a team of professionals brought my girlfriend back to life. They brought her back to herself and balanced her out.
The woman that is going to rehab this week, is the woman I met. She is determined to succeed where before she had failed. She is going to do it for herself, to get her life back. A life she shares with me, the man who wants to marry her. So that she can get other things back, like the respect and support of her parents who have changed their views and are willing to genuinly believe their daughter is going to get better.
I am writing all these thoughts, not to get the pity of my readers. But to let you all know there is always a door you can open. There are always choices, other than the only path you know. You just have to look for them. So if your loved one is acting weird, talk to them… Support them and be there no matter what.
I don’t know if I am going to have the energy or strength to do this again. Or if I am going to have a miracle in my hand or if my guardian angel will be with me, if she repeats this again. I will cross that ridge when I get to it, although I hope I never see it again, not even in the horizon.
Amikolle is right on her recovery. Everyday that goes by she is getting stronger and stronger. She has realized that some things in life cannot be changed, others take a lot of courage to change them, and that above all God likes to handle all the difficult stuff, and she should just enjoy of the good things He puts in her life.
Amikolle and I will get engaged in August. We want to get married next year and in time have a family. She is the woman i love, and i would go to hell and back for her. Even without a tank.
Thanks for reading;
Badr.
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