danielle
Saturday, August 23rd, 2008
by badr
I would like to first start this post with the following information, so you all have an idea of how monumental this is. In the city of Baltimore there are around 645,000 (645 thousand) people that live there. 60,000 of them are addicts. I was able to rescue 1.
Well I picked up her brother at his house in Federal Hill, from there we drove down to the “usual place” which is Ramsey Ave. and Parkish St. I parked like any puertorican driver could park, in the middle of the street. Shortly after {expletive deleted} and {expletive deleted} came down one of the streets and we must have talked for like 5 minutes before a Public Bus driver (God bless his heart), started honking his horn (his bus horn) and I had to move my car. I went around a block and came back and as I was heading back from afar I see a girl that looks like Amikolle. Blood moves to my foot and I press on the Jetta, and when I get closer I see its Amikolle with some black dude walking behind her. I park the car in the puertorican fashion again, but I don’t give a shit, I slided through the trunk of the car and grabbed her by the arm and told her “Thank God I found you…”, again the person that greeted me was the Addict, not Amikolle. The Addict wanted to stay in Baltimore and wanted and demanded to leave her there, and I told her she was coming with me the nice way or the bad way but she was coming home.
Amikolle was not in control from her mind, she tried to push away from me and I restled her and she was hiding something from my view but I didn’t care. At a point I thouht she was going to run away, I needed help. her brother, {expletive deleted} and {expletive deleted} had stayed behind fixing the flat tire in Carol’s G35, and they were around 500 feet from where I was. Because my intervention was loud bums and drug addicts in the area were starting to get nervous, but I didn’t care, I know at any moment anyone could have try and do something stupid, but all I cared was I found Amikolle and she was coming with me one way or another.
I barely let her go and I was calling with all my lungs to her brother to come over, finally after a few screams, he saw me and ran back to us. I kneeled down and after some convincin she showed me what she had in her hand, it was a crack pipe. When she dropped it to the ground I smashed it with my foot.
I don’t know if any of you have heard, but there is a quote from Nietzche that reads, “If you look deep into the abyss, the abyss will look back at you…” I looked into Amikolle’s eyes, past the cloud of her Addicted self and I went deep into that hole in I spoke to the woman I love. And its true, I love her with all my heart, as much as it hurts me see her like that, I can see she is not the one doing this, but an effect of her disease. I told her how I wanted her to come to our home, how Uzume our pet Guinea Pig missed her, and how the house was empty without her prescence. I told her how her brother, who still doesnt understands the mechanics of Drug Addiction, wanted to put that aside and look at it from another perspective to pull her out because he loved her very much as well. I told her of a bunch of our friends were concerned for her too, and little by little I was smashing down her dark self and out coming the light of Amikolle.
As soon as she was in the car, I drove like a bat out of hell, out of Baltimore County, still there were traces of her Addict and she told me she was still mad I had driven to find her. I parked the car to the curb and asked her, “If instead of you being the addict, it was me or your brother, would you come also looking for us?” She nodded as tears fell of her face, “Yes I would, you are right…”
So we drove home, she took a shower, her medicines, went to a meeting, and now she is knocked out sleeping. She looks so peaceful when she sleeps. I really wish with all my heart, that she is able to recover this time.
Tomorrow, we have an “agenda” and she might have some friends come over and talk to her. She will be staying at her parents house during the week, and she has to make several calls to see where she can do her rehab time.
As for me, I am going to sleep. I am so tired.
Thanks for everyone who kept me company in their thoughts, their prayers, their tweets, im’s and phone calls.
I will update more during the week.
Note: I had to edit my GF’s name and remove her last name because her parents threw a tiff over the phone, as to how I have related their fucking last name with the illness of her daughter. They are more interested in public image than in the recovery of her daughter. I did it only so that Amikolle doesnt get their shit anymore. Fucking Assholes. From now on, I will mention them in my writings as {expletive deleted} or her ‘rents’ (after my pissing off passes away).
Saturday, August 23rd, 2008
by badr
I dint sleep well. It’s difficult when for the last 7 months Amikolle slept snuggligly against me and now God knows where she slept last night or if she is alive even. I am trying not to think about any sad outcomes, my #1 priority is looking for her and finding her so we can get her some help.
At 6:00am in the morning Anne Arundel Police Dept. called me to see if I had any new Info on Amikolle’s where abouts. I was a little shocked as I expected them to tell me any new updates. But “No new updates officer…” <click>.
I am going to take a shower and go pick up her brother, and drive some more around. I am hoping she is walking around trying to find someone to hook her up with coke or looking to eat. She will be experiencing the effects on the lack of her medicine, so I hope that helps us find her quickly.
I know a lot of people think we should let her sink rock bottom, but the problem is that her life is at stake. If I was willing to take her as my wife, back when things were good, I would be a hypocrite to let her to her luck and turn around. I don’t know where our relationship will go, but I am not letting her die out there. Like I said before, alive or dead I am going to find her.
Both her parents and her brother are cooperating to find her, this means she is still important to them. Some of her friends that have read the news ive left around in www.amikolle.com and www.daniellestcyr.com and My Space either didnt know of her drug problem or are shocked about it.
We are only 3 people looking in a part of town that has over 60,000 addicts, so finding her will require the hand of God, luck and perseverance. I wish we had more cars and more people looking for her, but I am afraid to ask for that kind of help to anyone, It is not easy for me, and I cannot ask other people to get involved in this burden but I wish they could. At least we have a lot of her friends praying for her.
Tonight we will be doing round two of the search, we will try to be earlier down there around 7ish and I will be looking for her along with her parents and brother.
I doubt she is going to contact anyone, but if she does and you know about it call my number if you know it and you will get further instructions, if you do not know my number email me at lord.badr@me.com.
If you want to show your support, pray, leave comments here so that when she gets back she can read them and if you can to an extent help us look for her out there.
That part of town is dangerous, but we don’t go alone, and we have a good buddy system. People ask me why I can’t let this go, and its because a part of the wedding prayer goes ” I, ________, take you, _________, to be my wedded (husband/wife), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, tp love and to cherish, ’til death do us part….” I was willing to do that, when we got married, why should I step back now and leave her in my shadow, when she needs me the most.
This is why I do it, you can call me anything you want, but I am faithful to her and what she meant into my life, til death do us part.
Saturday, August 23rd, 2008
by badr
Today at around 9pm, {expletive deleted} (her dad), her brother, her brother’s gf and me went back to west baltimore to look for her. We searched through every street possible from 9pm til 12:30 midnight, and didnt see her. This means she could have been inside a building or we were looking in the wrong side of town. In all truth its like looking for a needle in a haystack. We saw all sorts of people, transactions, addicts passed out, but no sign of Amikolle. Police activity was high, we counted over 10 patrol cars driving around. I am writing from our bed, but I can’t manage to sleep, because I wonder under which conditions Amikolle will sleep tonight since she is not in her car, for all we know she could be in a cold floor, on some god forsaken box or god knows where.
Meanwhile her ex, Bear’s (Bear is Amikolle’s 9yr old son) dad patronizes me with support from his comfortable chair as you see here: “You’d been so good for her for the last 8 months. I hope things work out, somehow, though I can’t imagine how, but thank you for everything you’ve done. Hang in there.” But he is no one to get his ass once and come look with us. In 20 something years when Bear asks him how he helped his mother, he can tell him, that he helped by looking from Google Maps.
Tomorrow {expletive deleted} and her {expletive deleted} will go look for her from 10am in the morning onward. Her brother will join me from 11am and on… if we cant find her then we are going again at night. I get told I am powerless against her addiction. I know that, but I am not going to sit on my ass to wait till she shows up. Dead or Alive I am going to find her.
And her ex will participate from the confort of his own home.
Note: I had to edit my GF’s name and remove her last name because her parents threw a tiff over the phone, as to how I have related their fucking last name with the illness of her daughter. They are more interested in public image than in the recovery of her daughter. I did it only so that Amikolle doesnt get their shit anymore. Fucking Assholes. From now on, I will mention them in my writings as {expletive deleted} or her ‘rents’.
Friday, August 22nd, 2008
by badr
Amikolle, the girl I had been dating for the past 8 months, has given in the battle for drugs and left our house. She called a cab company and took a cab today August 22nd, to 2421 Westside Pawn Shop in Baltimore where she pawned her computer and from there she left to West Baltimore to use drugs. Cocaine is her drug of choice.
Amikolle has unfortunately relapsed. I don’t know where she has gone, I have filed a police report and I am praying that she has a good night, because she is in the city alone, without money, with only a t-shirt and her jeans. She is not in her car, she has no money, and she didnt take her medicines. She doesnt have a cell phone so there is nowhere to call her. I have done everything I can to help her, so at this point I don’t think there will be a wedding. She knew the only thing or the only one who could make her wedding not happen was herself.
I love her very much, I tried to do anything in my power and grasp for her, but I cannot help her anymore, I am powerless. I pray that she sleeps well at night, that she is safe, that she doesnt get killed in the streets of baltimore, and that if she leaves us, that she does it in peace.
Amikolle currently has a $140 or more a day habit. She has to sell drugs in order to buy drugs because she has no money with her. Tonight she will have to sleep somewhere because she is on foot and has no money.
Thanks;
Gilbert aka Badr
Amikolle’s Fiance
Note: I had to edit my GF’s name and remove her last name because her parents threw a tiff over the phone, as to how I have related their fucking last name with the illness of her daughter. They are more interested in public image than in the recovery of her daughter. I did it only so that Amikolle doesnt get their shit anymore. Fucking Assholes. From now on, I will mention them in my writings as {expletive deleted} or her ‘rents’.
Thursday, August 21st, 2008
by badr
Anoche sali con unos amigos a buscar el carro de Danielle. En menos de 5 minuos entrando al bajo mundo de Baltimore di con el.
Me baje de mi carro y corri hacia el de ella. Trate de abrir su puerta y la tranco, le exiji que me diera mi ID y “Trainpass”, y cuando bajo la ventana para darmelo entre en un forcejeo con la addiccion de Danielle, y logre quitarle las llaves. Ella me decia, “Porque vienes a buscarme, yo me quiero quedar aqui, no me gusta lo que soy y me quiero destruir…” Yo le pedi que me diera “closure” que yo necesiaba hablar con ella y si ella queria volver que lo hiciese despues que yo hablara con ella. Al final accedio y se monto en el carro, sin antes un bichote venir hacia el coche de ella, a hacerse el frontu… Pero no entremos en esos detalles, uno de los dos acabo jodio y el otro esta escribiendo en este blog.
Se que muchos de ustedes pensaran, Pendejo, dejala y no la busques mas. Pues si yo me voy a dejar de ella, pero no la voy a dejar en ese estado, porque no fue ahi donde yo la fui a recojer la primera vez que tuvimos nuestro primer date.
Anoche no era el momento para hablar. Hoy voy a dormir. Se que estoy poniendo en riesgo mi nuevo trabajo, pero ella este aqui o no, yo hoy necesitaba mi espacio y mi pausa, para finalizar ciertos cabos sueltos que aun quedan.
Mañana me reporto a mi trabajo. Esto es una emergencia porque no es por ella, sino por mi que estoy cansado y no puedo pensar claro.
Volviendo al tema, cuando miro en la cama veo el cuerpo de Amikolle como la sabana se levanta con su respirar, tan linda mi nena, pero en su interior esta el monstruo de la adiccion, planeando cuando va a ser su proxima movida. Debido a esto y a que no hay nada que yo pueda hacer para hacerle cambiar es que nuestra relacion tiene fin. Yo podre ser su amigo? Yo se que debo tener cuidado con eso, porque mis sentimientos hacia ella son fuertes.
Pero de algo estoy seguro, aunque la ame, no confio en ella, se que no es Amikolle la del problema, pero su enfermedad, sin embargo no confio en Amikolle porque no es quien de hacerle frente a su enfermedad, y no tengo seguridad de que ella vaya a salir adelante y nosotros podamos ser felices.
Yo voy a hablar con ella esta noche, luego de su meeting de NA, y le voy a dar 3 dias para que tome decision de lo que quiere hacer. Si una de sus decisiones es regresar a Baltimore y morirse usando pues ella es adulta y sabe lo que tiene que hacer. Si esa es su decision, yo decidire pensar que mi Amikolle, fallecio y no esta aqui con nosotros mas, y continuare con mi vida.
No hay mas nada que yo pueda hacer.
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