danielle

Sometimes I wish…

Wednesday, September 10th, 2008
by badr

Special thanks to DarkSoul, for sending this to me.  He on extremely rare ocations shows he has a heart.

Temporary career change

Saturday, August 30th, 2008
by badr

I woke up at 10am thanks to some asshole who came knocking on my door.  It was my ex-gf’s boyfriend coming to pick up some of the shit I had from her, that I had been trying to return.  Motherfucker woke me up and I thought it was someone coming to tell me something important.

So after he left, I went to play Castle Crashers, for about 3hrs then I get a phone call.  In the caller ID it said Md Satellite TV, and I’m like “wtf”, I really didnt want to talk to some phone spammer, but I picked it up anyway.  It was Danielle calling me from Massie.  What a relief.  We spoke for about half an hour, she told me although she didnt have phone privileges yet, that she asked and they let her call me.

At the end of the convo, she asked me very quietly if I could do something for her, and I said sure… She asked me to smuggle her some cigarettes.  The facility doesnt allow them to smoke, but some people smoke out on the porch.  I told her I didnt know, because I don’t want her to get into trouble, specially if I have to smuggle them on my socks.

I think I am going to invent some excuse and tell her I forgot them.  I really dont care if she smokes, but if its prohibitted to smoke in there, I don’t want her to get in trouble.  Or I might… I don’t know yet.

Yay. Friday… bleah

Friday, August 29th, 2008
by badr

A lot of you are going Yay! Its friday.. Well I am not.  I am looking forward to a quiet, weekend.  Danielle’s parents are off for a relaxing weekend in Ocean City, (don’t worry I didnt get invited), and I dont know what the rest of my “frieds” will be doing since I havent heard of Jen in ages, Jerry and Patrick are gone… Robert might be around, but he will probably be workiingon his house.

I’ll just stay home, play my games, sleep.  I wish i could go somewhere and grab a nice long island iced tea, sigh if I were in PR this would be a shannon weekend for sure.  But I think what I need is to wind down old style, which is doing the least amount of things in the most amount possible.

Then my friends ask me “how are you feeling” and I tell them, then they give me the mantra of “Well its for her own good…”, I know… but can’t I miss her? I do miss her.

I am a pussy I know.  She has been gone 3 days and I miss her the only thing that I am at piece with is that she is in a good place now, and  all I have to do is to wait for the new upgraded, Danielle to come back home.

28 Days…

Thursday, August 28th, 2008
by badr

Well Amikolle left yesterday for her new try at rehab.  I must say she did a lot of work to get where she is now.  She did all the research, all the phone calls, paperwork, you name it she did it.

She first applied for a place Bowling Greens in Pennsilvania.  After the place confirmed her by phone, that she could stay 20 days, with no co-pay and they told her she had to be there monday at 5:30pm.  We drove 80 miles into KKK County (drove by famous KKK town Rising Sun), and into the place.  When we arrived, the person there didn’t knew anything that was offered to Amikolle, she said Amikolle had to be pre-certed even if she was going to stay partially… Well it was a mess, so we drove back to Maryland.  Amikolle was a bit frustrated because she had gone through all this work and wanted to get help.  But the drive was fun and it relaxed her a bit.

On tuesday, it was hell for her, because trying to find if Bowling Greens was going to take her or not, and BG said that because she had no previous relapse with her current plan they didnt want to accept her offer and were demanding a ridiculous amount of money.  So I told her to fuck them, and to concentrate on the other place she was aiming for, a facility called Joseph S. Massie in Cumberland, Md.

At the end of the day in tuesday, Massie confirmed her pickup on wednesday morning.  The problem with Massie is that they are tighter than a chicken’s asshole for some things.  But its all for the best of the patient, which in this case is Danielle.  There can be no contact with Amikolle for the next 7 days, she cannot receive phone calls of any kind, and if she received one, it has to be a supervised one.  We can send her letters and postcards all we want…  Then after 7 days she can call us and we can call her only if we are approved by her counselors.  Then the following weekend we can go spend time with her, from 12 midday till 5pm.  But we had to go to an obligatory meeting that was like 2hrs.

I have not spoken to her since she was taken over there, but I am calculating that she will be there until Sept 24 more or less.

In the meantime I am going to pray, think of her and play Castle Crahsers.

What happens now?

Sunday, August 24th, 2008
by badr

I am writing from the Anne Arundel Medical Center, a couple hundred feet from me, around 12 addicts (including Amikolle) sit from me.  I have my headphones on, so I don’t know what they talk about, its their time to talk and I am only here so I can leech the hospital’s crappy free wifi.

I am going to backwards to my morning because I would like to relate my day with Amikolle, but then we will come back to this time and continue on.

We woke up at around 10am, I made Amikolle breakfast, and my plan was to bring it to her bed, but she beat me to it.  The smell of coffee filled the house, I made her buttermilk pancakes with hand whipped cream, strawberries, juice and spicy sausage on the side.  Its been a while since Amikolle and I have been able to have a breakfast like this, overall and excluding her disease its been tough on us.  But we wanted to survive on our own, at the end it gave us more satisfaction.

Around 2pm Amikolle’s long time friends Allison and Chris came over.  They are the first of a couple fo friends Amikolle has from her days in high school, that found out when she left and relapsed that their friend had a drug abuse problem.  They were very emotional and very supportive.  They told her that they were going to be calling her during the day tomorrow and during the week and if she didn’t call them, they were going to call her.  This are the types of friends Amikolle needs around her.  People who remind her how awesome she truly is, and who have a real interest in her getting better.  Her friends brought their newborn, Molly, who was the center of attention, cutest baby I have seen in a long time.  Baby laughed with us a lot and Danielle was able to talk to Allison in private and with Chris, to let them know first hand of her condition.  Overall their visit was a good 3hrs.  They had plans for sunday but they thought seeing Amikolle was a priority and they shifted their plans to come see their friend.

After they left, we got ready and head out to Danielle’s Parents house.  Most of you might think, she being with her parents is a great idea until she gets into rehab.  Frankly it’s not, but I cannot leave her alone, she is in active adiction and needs someone with her to watch her and talks to her to keep her mind from scheming.  I have been telling, her mother that she needs to keep a close eye on her tonight, because Amikolle is on flight risk.  She can try and leave because her addiction is in its prime right now.  As we were driving to this meeting, she confessed to me her mind is in high gear thinking how she can escape to go to Baltimore.  I told her she had to be strong, and tell herself that from out there we can’t help her, that she needs to be in our reach so that we can take her to rehab.  But tonight and right now, she is a flight risk.  I hope her mom is not that naive to not keep an eye on her.  Like Steve Jobs has a reality distortion field, her parents have a “Niceness Distortion Field”, they are super comprehensive and nice in front of me, but I know they are going to start bitching to her tonight and if they do that, she is going to take on and leave.

As I have explained before Amikolle’s resort for her addiction was based on her disability to not let things out of her chest with her friends, the emotional pressure that her parents have had on her all this time, the emotional duress her father has her on all the time, I hope they dont cause her any trouble because its a gamble if Amikolle will tolerate her dad’s rants and not use them to fuel her need to use drugs.  I will be able to rest again when she is in rehab which should happen soon, hopefully between monday and tuesday.

As we continued our drive here, I made Amikolle repeat to her self, that in order to get help she must stay with us, and that its understandable that her URGE is difficult, but it needs a lot of herself to beat it, and my concern is that she is weak mentally right now to fight that URGE on her own.  She needs to be very strong and truthful to her parents tonight about her state.

Tomorrow morning she has to call Carefirst, our medical insurance company to see what places they cover, then she needs to get on the horn with two candidates, Massie, which is in Cumberland, Md and Warwick Mansion in the Eastern Shore.  She has been a patient of Warwick.  We have to see which one will take her for a month or at least 3 weeks.  Its very difficult to get into the one month’s programs as there is a waiting list.  So hopefully she can get somewhere within the next two days.  Another thing, which I find ridiculous, is that the insurance determines what amount of time they cover.  Maybe the insurance covers 3 days, but they bill you for $12,000.  I mean how they expect these recovering addicts to recover when they got a medical expense of 12 Grand waiting for them when they get out of recovery.

The good thing in all this is that Amikolle realizes four important things:

1. Continuing her Addiction is no way to live.

2. She needs to get help, go to rehab, IOP’s, and going to NA meetings

3. When she needs help, she has to call people.  Plus she needs to put a lot of her part to withstand the rpessure of going out to use.

4. We need to move far from Baltimore, probably to another state, which very well could be Texas.

But first things first.  Lets all pray to God, she can wake up in her house tomorrow, and her parents keep a good eye on her, until she can find a place to go do her rehab.

For me, it will be another sleepless night… until I know she is there.  Because if she goes out there again, there is a huge chance she wont come back.