When the going gets tough, Part 2

Tuesday, June 10th, 2008
by badr

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Last time i expressed my self how a situation that caught me and my girlfriend, Amikolle off guard. Its been a week since she was hospitalized with an acute and deep depression. Since then we have learned a lot, and Danielle has had a huge turn around.

Its funny how all this things work, and how for some some people its very difficult to let go things that affected you in the past. I don’t blame her though, her youth became unmanagable, she resorted the exit route of using drugs and running from her problems. I love her very much, she is an amazing human being, intelligent and smart. Its difficult to picture her in that world, but its the world she knew, and she felt safe there, when everybody in her life raped her bounderies. She had lived a controlled life after her late teens and mid 20’s stint with drugs. She did cocaine, smoked heroin, and smoked crack. It was a miracle she didn’t kill herself back then. She lost so many things, including the custody of her son, and her relationship with her parents went from bad to worse.

And all this was taking her toll on her, because she was taking all this in, and she was not letting it out. How could she? She couldnt tell me a lot of things, because she thinks I will be terrorized and I will leave her. She couldn’t tell her parents, because they didnt understood her and were so hurt for her lack of common sense back then, that now they didnt trust her, her father when he looses his temper (usually happened in the 1st 5 mins of a conversation), would detonate on her and she feared him because of that. She almost doesnt have any friends, because the few that have had, had given up on her. So when all this took a toll on her, and she felt anxious, she flipped and that what she always knew what do do, even if in the end she knew it would get her in the same spot that put her there. She would “escape” and use drugs.

The last relapse happened last sunday. I had left her home after a beautiful weekend together. Her dad went ballistic on her, not caring what was going through the head of his daughter, it killed everything… every dream, every happy thought… Danielle, grabbed what coins she found around her parents house, and took a bus to Downtown Baltimore, and there she consumed her fear. The next morning I got a call from her mother asking me if Danielle was at our place. I knew then and understood the teachings of the classes I have been taking to understand myself better so that I could help Danielle more, these meetings are called NarAnon, and its a support group for parents, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, BF & GF of people who have used drugs in the past. The first point in their list, is acknowledging you are Powerless. The second point is giving yourself to a higher power. So when I got the phone call, I realized I was powerless and I asked God, to please guide me because all I wanted was to find her, in whatever condition she was.

I don’t know if divine prayer helped, but I will tell you something, technology played a big part, as i had bought Danielle a Cel phone that had GPS Tracking built into it (www.kajeet.com). So when I went to her parents house, i gave her mother a crash course on google maps, and she was my co-pilot in sweeping the streets of lower downtown baltimore, to found her daughter. Her father came with me. We carried out a 2 man door to door search. We talked to every drug dealer we could find, junkies, mothers, fathers, bums, rednecks, if it breathed and could talk we talked to them. Some had seen her, some couldn’t tell.

The first round we did, was unfruitful. We couldn’t find her, so her dad and I went back to their house, to get 2 cellphones, another car and we went back again, on the way back i learned from the people in Kajeet, that the more the locator of the phone was pressed the more accurate the reading it would be. So when I went back to their house, i blasted that button for all it was worth. It begun to shrink the radius, and the phone had a location of 511 S. Vincent St. Baltimore, Md 21223. We went there, and found a shack. It reminded me of the old buildings in Old San Juan, that the government forgot about them and only bums would use it for a windy night refuge. Only this time, it housed a heroin addict that would rent the rooms for other addicts to use their drugs there. I offered the junkie $50 bucks for the phone. I described her the phone and she said if I gave her 5 mins she would find it, she had earlier said she had no contact with my GF or the phone. Money talks, bullshit walks. The phone appeared. When I saw the phone I knew my GF was there. I could feel Amikolle in my bones. I felt immortal although If a hidden Drug dealer was there, he could easily shoot me or her dad. The junkie became aggressive and wanted more money or she wouldnt give me the phone or tell me where Dani was.

I transformed. I was so set in finding if Dani was there that I told her, that I would go upstairs and throw her out the freaking window if she didnt give me the phone, and that I would give her the money when I had the phone in my hands. She holed up.

I lost my temper. I kicked that feeble piece of shit of rotten wood door and I went in. I was received by a filthy apt. filled with water on the floor, shit, feces and a doped up rottweiler that was gigantic. My GF’s Dad went in, and up the stairs, then he came out. He told me, “she is upstairs…”, I climbed the stairs after he came down, and entered a room, that had a small bed filled with all kind of shit, and below the bed, in a cardboard box, was my GF, in the worst imaginable deplorable place.

We all hit rock bottom that day. Into the shadows she was, I extended my hand to lift my angel up. She took it and we walked out without saying a word, aside from, “Lets go home…”. I took her in the car and the junkie was crying because her drug dealer would probably kill her for his property being damaged. I looked at her and told her, “you have $50 bucks, go buy one”. Frankly If I had access to a tank an M1, I would have returned and leveled that block.

When we were driving back, I asked her what she wanted to do. My baby replied, I am out of control. I need to go to rehab, I need help.

That was the beginning of her resurgence. That same day her parents and I committed her to a hospital, where she got transferred to a Psychiatric ward. During that time, a team of professionals brought my girlfriend back to life. They brought her back to herself and balanced her out.

The woman that is going to rehab this week, is the woman I met. She is determined to succeed where before she had failed. She is going to do it for herself, to get her life back. A life she shares with me, the man who wants to marry her. So that she can get other things back, like the respect and support of her parents who have changed their views and are willing to genuinly believe their daughter is going to get better.

I am writing all these thoughts, not to get the pity of my readers. But to let you all know there is always a door you can open. There are always choices, other than the only path you know. You just have to look for them. So if your loved one is acting weird, talk to them… Support them and be there no matter what.

I don’t know if I am going to have the energy or strength to do this again. Or if I am going to have a miracle in my hand or if my guardian angel will be with me, if she repeats this again. I will cross that ridge when I get to it, although I hope I never see it again, not even in the horizon.

Amikolle is right on her recovery. Everyday that goes by she is getting stronger and stronger. She has realized that some things in life cannot be changed, others take a lot of courage to change them, and that above all God likes to handle all the difficult stuff, and she should just enjoy of the good things He puts in her life.

Amikolle and I will get engaged in August. We want to get married next year and in time have a family. She is the woman i love, and i would go to hell and back for her. Even without a tank.

Thanks for reading;

Badr.

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